1. Younger Male (20s)

McKellar from The Blue Wall

[McKellar is a rookie metro cop.]

It all happened so fast. One moment I'm in the college taking all the shit they had to dish out and now wham! it's my first day on the job. I made it! I strut into my new division and get issued my uniform. Not bad looking. I'm finally going to get some respect. I strut out like a peacock in my new threads. I'm looking for respect. I don't get none. People laugh and snicker at me. They never used to do that. Some kids start bad mouthing me calling me a pig. I drive downtown to pick up my girlfriend and somebody throws a stone at my car. It really stuck in my mind some asshole just threw a stone at my car! I think every policeman can tell you the first day he wore his uniform. It's something that sticks in your mind. I can't remember the first bad accident or the first rape but I remember that shithead who threw a stone at my car. Alright, fine. If that's the way you want to play, I'll go along. I learn real fast how to treat the public. Don't take any shit. Use your power over people. They fear you. Use that. Whenever people see a cop they tighten up real fast. They act guilty like they've done something wrong. I remember one time walking the beat and this guy sees me and takes off like a flash down this alley. I, naturally, whip after him and eventually corner him at a dead end. He screams out, "I haven't done anything, officer!" "Why'd you run from me then?" "Cause you're a cop!" He was a small guy business suit, briefcase. He's scared out of his mind like I'm going to bust him for breathing. You forget you can have this effect on people. It's a power thing. I use it all the time. I can flash my badge and get into movies, plays, free food, subway. I call it my "Metropass".

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2. Younger Female (Teens)

Eleanor from High Sticking

[Eleanor is a confused young woman who is banished to a Catholic boarding school by her father. Her only emotional outlet is playing girls field hockey.]

So, I'm a communist. I'll admit it. I think Marx is nifty. Just the kind of guy to bring home to Daddy. "This is Karl my new boyfriend, Daddy. He's gonna grow up one day and throw you and your rich friends into a Gulag." You should see my Dad. I caught him snuffling under my bed one afternoon. He was searching for condoms and drugs in that order but instead he pulls out my pop up book version of "Das Kapital" (where when you pull the little string Karl shakes his fist at passing bourgeoisie) and he freaks out!

"What's this, Eleanor!? Are you a C c c Communist!!?"

"Why of course I am, Daddy. You have made me so."

Whack!! goes the pop up book right on my head. Bang! Biff! Bash! You're nothing but a spoiled brat! Boom! It's all your mother's fault! Bamm!! (a pause) My mother a final parting shot and he storms out.

I feel anger. Cold steel anger beautiful and dangerous anger. What right did he have to rummage through my things? Didn't he realize that I must now have my cold and calculated revenge.

I pack my $2,000 dollar suitcase with designer clothes. I put on my best sweater (Bloomindales 700 dollars) and storm out. Where am I going? It doesn't matter. All I know is that he will follow me wherever I go. I hop in the new Volvo and burn rubber I am only 15. I have never driven a car before in my life. I take out the shrub and picket fence at the property line and start to cruise. He's behind me in the Porsche. If I were James Bond I'd drop the smoke bomb or the oil slick and be gone in a flash but I'm not James Bond so I gun it and take a fast corner destination Bay Street! He follows. Davenport Road. I bump a Renault. I scrape a Rolls. I side swipe a Ferrari. (she laughs) That's right. Get my license plate, boys. Make the repair bills out to my dear Dad. It's kind of nice being a young offender. No responsibilities.

Bay Street you old whore. Good to see you. I screech to a halt. Double park scratch a few fenders and stroll into Daddy's trust company. Up the escalator. Hello, Mary! Hi, Bill! No line ups for me. I'd like my safety deposit box please. Thank you. May I have the key? You're too kind. Back to the top of the stairs. There he is. One story down pushing his way through the people red as a beet. Hey Daddy! Hey Everybody! Scrambles! I empty the contents bonds, deeds, blue chips, jewellery. They cascade down into greedy hands. My father is swallowed up by his customers. He screams, "Mine! Mine! Don't touch!" But it doesn't help. "Scrambles" is the cue for everyone to start behaving like those idiots on Beat the Clock. They rip and tear into each other. Sharks in a feeding frenzy. (she stops) Okay so I didn't do any of this. But that's not the point. The point is nobody insults my mother. That's my job! They're separated but the Church won't give 'em a real divorce so they're still stuck with one another sort of. Daddy made up some dirt on my Mom and then hired the best lawyers and got custody even though I screamed and begged and kissed the judge's ass. He still got me. And...he still gets to me. Y'now?

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3. Older Male (30s-40s)

VAGGIS from War of the Clowns

[Captain General Vaggis is a war-mongering military man who hates all clowns.]

VAGGIS:  Did you mark that wretched jester that I just had put to death? My father doted on that unfunny fucker for twenty years! "Oh, Yodnick! You're so funny! I know! Let's have a circus! Let's have a carnival! Let's pay all the artists what they're worth! Let's invite all the peasants! Let's empty the fucking treasury! Oh we'll all have such ffffffun!"

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4. Female (20s-30s)

Lucy from Playballs

[Lucy is a strong-willed woman who is trying to break into major league umpiring.]

Lucy: Florida always had a pretty good team. But like everyone else, the players didn't know what to make of a woman umpire. During the games they'd call me "Ma'am" and "Miss". Didn't bother me. I been called worse. Things were going pretty well with me and the Gators until...

This was the game. I was behind the plate. Inning after inning passed without me missing a pitch. There wasn't one complaint from either bench. Had ol' Karl seen me that day, he would have bumped me to the head of the class. I was awesome... until the bottom of the ninth.

They hit every pitch. A single here. A triple to the wall. A home run. All of a sudden it was "rabbit ball". The score was getting tighter and tighter - as was my sphincter. A single. When is this game going to end? Another double. What a pressure cooker!

With two outs, bases loaded, and the Gators behind by only one run, I can't take this anymore. I got the sweats. In steps the batter....

Baaw. Steerriiike! Baaaw. Streeriiike! Baaw. He works the count to 3 and 2. Two out - Bases loaded. Time takes a weird twist. Gets all bent out of shape like. In came the pitch, a fastball - but to me its just floating their like a leather zeppelin - shoulder high - up and in at his head - maybe above his head - catcher gets a hernia trying to get it in the mitt. The batter watches it pass - as he should have - and without a second's hesitation, I yell..... "SSTTEERRIIKKE!"

I knew it was a ball, but I had wanted a strike. Everything was back in real time. I blew it. I was fired the next day.

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5. Middle Aged Female (30s)

Cassie from The Summer Kitchen

[Cassie is a grown-up child. She is trying to impress the new Anglican minister.]

CASSIE: I like you much better than our old minister. What was his name again? I’ve forgotten it. Anyway, he used to hang around here all the time sucking up to my Dad for cash. One time…must have been ten years ago. You remember, don’t you, Angela? It was so funny. We had an old Basset hound named “Beauregard” who used to like humping our cat. Well, not humping really. Trying to hump is more accurate. He had a really big thing and the cat’s bum was too small to do it properly. Shh. I’m telling a story here. So like I said, that old minister always liked to come over to hit dad up for more cash for the church. And my dad would always let him in. They’d be sitting in the study sipping tea politely with the cat on the floor in front of them. And then old Beauregard would trot in, take one look, and start pumping away on the cat and the cat would get this stupid look on its face and give a meow to the minister as if to say, “Hey, Father! Get this dog’s dick out of my bum!” Hahahahah!  Right in front of the minister! Can you believe it? Hahahah! It was really funny…except nobody laughed. Anyway. I like you much better than that old minister. He had no sense of humour.

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6. Older Male (30s-40s)

CECIL from The Guild Plays

[Cecil is a dapper looking man who thinks he is Noel Coward.] 

CECIL: Ah yes. Amen. Hail Mary. Blah, blah, blah. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Cecil Barnum-Cappey. I’m the musical portion of the show. And I would be too if I’d lugged my piano out here but I didn’t so you’ll have to do without. I just thought I might interrupt the little socialist paradise depicted here to give you my impression of the Guild of all the Arts – not that anyone around here ever asked me my opinion when I was alive. Oh no. But now I claim that privilege because I’m dead and so deserve all of your attention and respect. Thank you very much.

So, the Guild circa 1940...hmm. “Buzzing hive of arts and crafts activity.” I suppose so. Happy worker bees humming away…crafting things… spinning… weaving… forging… selling…losing money all the time. Yes. That about sums it up. Also, a place to stay for the tourists. A charming dining hall and guest rooms with excellent dinner entertainment provided by moi. I was hired to play piano for the Guild guests. Yes, these golden pinkies have tinkled the keys a bit over the years. Trying to bring a bit of savoir faire to the boonies. Gershwin. Coward. The Classics. I was worked to the bone by the Clarks. And while I worked here I got to watch the place crumble brick by brick. Oh it started off alright. Lots of “hail fellow” and naïve talk about “collectivism.”

[He sings]

My daddy is a member
Of the bourgeoisie;
And I will fight for labour
While he's supporting me.

Which side am I on?
Which side am I on?
Once the money’s gone
I’ll just run along.

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